Okay, so today I decided to find out if you could really fly with a baseball bat. I mean, I saw all those posts online about whether you can bring them on a plane, but I wanted to see if a bat could actually help a person fly.
First, I grabbed my trusty baseball bat, the one I’ve had since Little League. It’s a bit scuffed up, but it’s still solid. Then, I headed out to my backyard. It’s pretty big, so I figured it was the best place to give this a shot without, you know, crashing into anything too important.
Preparations
- Found a good starting point. I picked a spot at the top of a small hill in my yard.
- Stretched a bit. Didn’t want to pull a muscle trying to become a human airplane.
- Positioned the bat. I decided to hold it horizontally, like a weird, wooden set of wings.
I took a deep breath and started running down the hill, holding the bat out as steady as I could. I flapped it a few times, just like I’ve seen birds do. I know, I know, birds have feathers and are, like, a thousand times lighter than me, but I was committed at this point.
As I ran, I tried to jump and “catch” the air with the bat. Let me tell you, it’s a lot harder than it looks in cartoons. I managed to get a few inches off the ground, maybe a foot at most. Definitely not flying. More like…hopping with a baseball bat.
Attempts
- Tried running faster. More speed, more lift, right? Nope. Just more tripping hazard.
- Adjusted my grip. Maybe I was holding the bat wrong? Still no flight.
- Jumped harder. This resulted in a spectacular, albeit brief, moment of airtime before I landed back on the ground with a thud.
After about an hour of this, I was sweaty, tired, and no closer to achieving human flight via baseball bat. I did get a good workout, though. And a few funny looks from my neighbors.
So, can you fly with a baseball bat? Based on my highly scientific experiment, the answer is a definite no. You can run with one, jump with one, maybe even hit a few imaginary home runs, but flying is off the table. Stick to airplanes for that, folks. And if you’re trying to take your bat with you, I’d say you should be fine on a domestic flight, but check it in your luggage just to be safe. I wouldn’t want to risk breaking mine, even if it can’t make me fly.
